Rough

00:22

It is late right now and normally at this time I am in bed but not tonight. Tonight it is a little different because I had a pretty rough day which has resulted in my needing to take (another) personal day from work tomorrow. This has happened more often lately then I would care to admit and the reason for that being is that it seems I have hit a point in my "recovery" that has resulted in me being emotionally catapulted into many epiphanies and accepting of things that are out of my control. Sounds amazing right?
Except it also results in a lot of crying and mourning of the things you have lost along the way.
It is all good for me, it is all simply leading to me moving past things but that does not make it suck any less in how it feels.
I hate missing work for this reason.
I always feel like I am being such a let down and worry it is going to royally bite me in the butt down the line.
I am not a unreliable person on a whole but right now I feel like I will start being perceived as such. This has always been a thing of mine and I do think it did not help me over the years when I came to getting better. It always stressed me out whenever I had to miss work because of something in my personal life coming up. Frustration was most definatly a feeling that I constantly felt because I knew how it looked to my co-workers and other parties. I looked unreliable, seemed like a liability and a general misjudgement when it came to my work ethic. So I always was sure to offer to take extra shifts and offer my time. I guess to prove that I could be counted on. But then something like this happens.
A step in my recovery that leads to some days being so hard to crawl through, not because I am suffering but because I am letting things go and it is emotionally and mentality draining.
With the job I have now I feel especially bad, they are wonderful people and the company is great. I do not care for the job itself but I do not want to let down all those great people and right now I feel like I am. It is not like I can tell them exactly why I am suddenly off on random days. I simply can't. So now I am in bed after calling in my personal day feeling guilty and like a major let down (this is something I definatly need to work on). As much as I do not care for the job type itself I do care about my co-workers and putting them out...

So just go to work! You may be thinking.
Unfortunately it is just not that simple, normally I would just suck it up and go but I did the sucking up and go to work bit for over five years and it was like torture. I just do not have it in me anymore. I promised myself after years of keeping things bottled up I would let myself feel how I feel. Let myself be human and not make myself sick with stress from keeping it in and putting on a face. I just cannot and will not do it anymore.
So here I am now.

Tired.
Worn out.
Feeling like a let down.
And overall being in a negative space which I have not really been in since I started this whole process...it is bound to happen and today it happened.
I just hope my work will not throw tomatoes at me tomorrow and curse my cow.

I hope they will be able to understand.

My bigger hope is that I will soon be able to let all the things in my past go enough that these personal days happening so consistently as they have been for the past month or so will be a thing of the past. I feel that it is getting closer...

Which would be freaking sweet!
Just have to remember all the things the past has taught me and move forward...onwards and upwards!




Sometimes being left alone is good thing...sometimes not so much :P


xoxo Nicola

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5 comments

  1. It's been a terribly long few weeks here as well. I know full well that some of the stuff isn't going to get better any time soon, however trying to get through it is sometimes the only thing we can do.

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    Replies
    1. I hope those things improve for you sooner rather then later! getting through is all we can do :)

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  2. Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. You're right though, keeping things bottled up is never a good solution. For what it's worth you seem to me like a very strong minded person so I know you'll come through the other side stronger, happier and healthier for it!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you :) that is the master plan! I can feel that I will come to a resolution soon, just have to prowl through and hold on till then!
      Very true about the keeping things bottled up, it is so unhealthy...pity that is the mentality, at least here in North American...

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  3. I can totally relate to this and I feel for you.. It's a complex organ, the brain! Messing with our emotions. Take whatever time you need and use it wisely to think so you can get back to work :-)

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thelovelytwentysomethings.com is owned and run by Nicola Mora